I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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