So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
