you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
