I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
