my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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