Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
