he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
