i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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