I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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