I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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