Already got asked if we're dating
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
