She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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