You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
