Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
