My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
