walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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