Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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