better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
