did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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