My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize