don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
