I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I think people are normalizing furries
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
