last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
