is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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