Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
