What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
