I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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