I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
