Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
