how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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