i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
