Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So vagazzling was a success
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
