My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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