My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
