I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I need a beard to bite.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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