O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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