I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Be still, my beating vagina.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
