I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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