He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Im part way to drunk.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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