Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
