some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
