if you like me you must not know who I am
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
