We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
