I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
