I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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