i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
