there's paper in my vomit.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
