the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize