onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
