We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
