These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
