Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
