I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
