Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
