Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
