i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
