i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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