1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
