First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
