I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
