nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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